*caught_in_my_head*

Hm wow I can't remember the last time I posted anything on here! I think it was when I was in VA... Not a lot of things have happened since, apart from the fact that I failed the exam that I had to retake because I failed the first one. I gained so much weight on my trip over... and I think I'm growing more stable, emotionally, because I told Thomas that I think we should keep out of touch for a lil bit until I'm sure I've fallen out of love with him. I mean, I still really like him and our breakup was so strange- we got along great, had fun, saw each other quite a bit, you know. And of course that also lead to kissing which is nice but not good for a friendship. Thomas feels bad about not being able to communicate with me freely, and it is sad- I'm just convinced it's the best way for now. I'll see him today, at work, and on Thursday at work. But we'll be able to avoid each other pretty well. I might also see him today because he has a class in a room that I have a class in after he has his class... but I can try to avoid him there too, after all there's plenty of people around. And well, we don't have a shift together for all of next week- and who knows, maybe 10 days is enough time apart for the both of us anyway. I think it'll definitely be good for me. I feel so mature and grown up, voluntarily doing sométhing I don't want to be doing!
My friend Alana was in Graz a few weeks ago. It was her birthday- 21 baby! And the thing is, I have an excellent idea of what to give her, just that I wasn't expecting her to come round so I didn't finish it. But I'll give it to her for Easter I suppose.

And my sister got accepted to her year abroad in New Zealand program. Which makes me really happy on the one hand, but also makes me scared of spending a year alone without anyone I can count on to cheer me up. I mean, for Christmas it might just be ME and my parents...

Okay, well I have an exam in 7 minutes so I should get going.
Lots of Hugs. I MISS YOU ALL LOADS!!!!!!!!
Jeffie

Okay, what has happened in my life recently?

I broke up with Thomas because I caught him cheating on me with Julie, but the whole break-up talk was, apart from some tears on my side, still sort of as if we were together and we decided we shouldn't make it final and that we wanted to talk about it and maybe take more time and see if I can rebuild my trust in him. Well I was on my way of doing that when I asked him what he'd done so far and he told me he'd kissed Julie again. And I Know he was drunk both times and I know the second time he wasn't dating me anymore, but he claims he's in love with me. And if he's in love with me but goes on kissing other people, that's a pretty good sign I won't be able to trust him, ever.
So how do we feel now? A little bit lost. Very sad and angry, but at the same time not letting ourselves (okay, not letting myself) sink into a deep hole. LIF GOES ON, and he and I dated for only one month. I hope that if I keep telling myself that I"ll be okay.

Other than that. Brian has asked for another chance, and I said no... I feel bad about saying that but I guess he and I had our chance. I did say he could come to Graz and visit me, but I'm not sure I'd want him staying with me. That's soemthing I have to think about, just because if potentially he came and we went out for a beer and came back drunk, who knows what would happen. I'd probably be more comfortable to have him somewhere else... Then again, I realized after the las ttwo break-ups that I'm not as weak as I think I am. I could probably resist. Well I'll worry bout that when I have to.

Other than that, I'm very sad because I have to go back to Austria tomorrow. I want to get a new haircut or something, just somehow change my looks to give me more self-confidence. I know it's stupid, but it works.
ANd I DONT want to start classes again :(

I mean, I really am. The math class I was failing... well I asked for my grades today and apparently I'm not failing- though I did have a zero on my midterm exam, the rest of my gradeshave been good enough for me to need 13/20 points on my final exam next ewek in order to pass. The only reason I didn't study for the midterm was that I thought I'd failed before then!
And I had my last class before break just now :) It was a lot of fun, I understood most of what was going on. Now I'm on my way to citypark, which is a shopping center in town close to where I live- I got coupons to go there from work for Christmas and i want to buy hair-straightening-shampoo. Supposedly it works, but I'll keep you updated on that :P the straightening is just too much work and too unhealthy for the hair.

other than that i guess nothing has changed. I'm still studying... oh something has changed. I'm happy with Thomas. I guess he doesn't understood that and I'm starting to think he... I mean he definitely likes me. But that I like spending time with him even when we just walk around or something, that's the part he doesn't get.
I have plenty of books to read over break! brave new world, 1984, i want to read one shakespeare... and of course i still havet his huge paper to write and lots of math-studying to do.

well keep your hair on,
love

Life is so strange.

Thomas and I officially started dating like 10 days ago now (okay, I admit I know the date. 1/12)... And I'm already struggling. I'm not sure I can handle all the troubles he has with his ex and I'm not sure he wants to be with me enough to resist her attempts to get back together with him. And if she only manages on a physical level, she'll have more to offer than I have. And that makes me sad- it's a feeling that I won't ever be good enough for anyone. I like him a lot and I don'T want it to end, but I know that if he cheated on me now I'd break up because I wouldn't want to run round with the doubt all the time. And what's also a little problem is that I didn't trust him at first. And then, the more I talked to him, the more I trusted him until it got to a point of good, healthful trust where I'd have told him almost everything. And last week it sort of... disappeared with the whole ex-thing. I still trust him, but I'm jealous now and what does it say in Othello? beware my lord of jealousy, 'tis the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds upon. And of course my self-confidence has gone down the hill with what I'Ve found out.
But of course breaking up after 10 days would also seem like a failure, so one way or another it would all suck.

Maybe it's exams keeping me busy, but I don't feel like I'm studying much at all. Which is bad of course because I still have lots of things to do and what not. I just feel sad in general. I miss my friends, who are all equally busy with school. I haven't seen a single friend in the past week- unless you count Thomas, who of course has come to be a dear and appreciated friends who shares secrets but who'll just never replace you guys. :( I mean I'm not looking for a replacement. But sometimes life would be a whole lot easier if the world were smaller and everybody closer.

Just talked to Thomas on the phone! He says we can still go out for a drink, which I guess is nice. He's a good person and I feel bad for not behaving like the person he needs. I guess it's because since last Saturday I've been questioning his motives for being with me.

Speaking of boyfriends. My English professor said he'd ask me about my boyfriends in my oral exam, won't that be fun!

I MISS YOU ALL LOADS! HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS to those who I miss and who I think read the blog (Aniko, Hannah, Morgana, above all!!!!!!!!!)

Wow, first day back at college was pretty good! I mean boring, as always, but I did manage to spend time in between classes studying and I managed to finish my essay last night at midnight. It's called condom cactus and I'm hoping it's not too sassy for my professor (Aged 70+)...
I was expecting to start working concessions this week, but apparently the other person who was asked started this week. Seeing as it would be pointless to have two people not knowing what they're doing there, I guess it'll be a while before I can start- which is sad because I was already looking forwrd to it. And the person who's doing it, Armin, was meant to work in the cafe with me yesterday btu he had to learn how to handle the ticket-thingies (because we sell tickets at concessions) so I had to spend the day all alone.
But Thomas was working too and visited me sometimes and at one point even kissed me while we were working :P it was a slow day. Oh, Thomas. I wonder how things are going to end between us. I've really started trusting him and I'm in love with him, but I'm not sure that's good. I feel really really vulnerable at the moment... And there's still the sex-factor ( I won't have any unless we're dating but of course that makes me feel like I'm forcing him to a relationship ) and I've now told him about the ex who attempted to rape me and of course that made everything more complicated.

Call me paranoid, but ever since the Russians stopped sending us gas I feel cold!!! Supposedly they have enough reserves to keep private households warm for a few months... but at least the -17 degrees C are going to get warmer towards the weekend, supposedly.

Oh, I have to eat breakfast. right. Classes. it'S strange how you can forget you'Re meant to be studying or getting dressed ^^
by the way... 12 days till 1.20.09 :)

Okay, wow! what has happened in my life? i was ill christmas eve, 39° fever (no idea what that's in F, but it's close to critical)... I went out with a sweet guy a couple of times and well, we'll just see what happens. he's a colleague from work and we made out at the christmas party so naturally that caused a lot of curiosity from other colleagues. mmm... i got the tales of beedle the bard for christmas and loved it:P very exhausted at the moment and iw ant to sleep but i should be translating ... im thinking of just watching some dvd and falling asleep while watching. or maybe a friends ep or something... *hugs

Just heard that song... I wonder why I have it in my iTunes library. Oh, there we go, Twist and Shout :P

Okay, lots of things have been happening... I guess I've mentioned that I'm attempting to change how I live (I said I'd eat more healthfully and so on...) and I have to say, my life has changed. Unfortunately, I'm unable to tell whether that's for better or worse.
I eat more healthful food now. That's definitely a plus. And I enjoy work and college. At the same time I've started going out more, spending money on alcohol and getting completely wasted like every weekend. Looking back, I've become the person I never wanted to be- yet I feel like this new way of life fits. I'm bound to believe I'm going through a phase of self-finding. I was talking to Brian the other day (he still hates me, at least partially) and he doesn't approve of who or what I've become... my response was that if I am the person he thinks I am, that person will come back (not that she ever truly left). And if I'm someone different, now is the time to find out.
Basically I'm trying to cut down on the drinking now.
Another point is the eternal guys-part. Admittedly I still miss Brian sometimes, but at this point I'm very sure I miss ... having a boyfriend. Kissing. Cuddling. The knowledge that he's there for me when I need him. The knowledge that SOMEONE is there who really cares. (I know you all care... but it just feels different with a boyfriend.) And that missing-someone has evolved to me actually going and checking out all available male people, and I've been going by looks rather than character- another trait I used to despise. That's a part of a new-me I don't like... But here I think that will change too, either when I truly fall for someone again or quite simply when I get used to being single.

I wrote a paper for an English class, the assignment was to write a report for a newspaper... and the teacher's comment was "too journalistic, not enough Jolly"- I thought that was rather funny.
Only another 3 days of classes till Christmas vacation :D Though I do have an exam I need to ace if I want to pass the class. *hopes* And gosh I hope I don't have to work Christmas Day.

I miss all of you. i looked at flights today and they were incredibly expensive... but hopefully I'll still manage to go over.

*HUGS*

OREOS are addictive. There's a reason I don't buy them, and that's quite simply that I manage to eat an entire box (= 16 cookies) in one sitting! It's not normal.
I'm tired but I thought I'd let yall know I haven't forgotten about you and I'll update in more detail soon. *hugs*

Graz is covered in snow! Snow everywhere. It was so exciting. I mean it's snowed a few times the past month, but nver as much as now- not enough for it to stick to the ground for longer than overnight. I'm very excited, I love snow :) I'Ve had a nice week despite failing my math midterm. I went out with a friend last night and had a good time, and I've met someone I'd actually consider dating. Well I did consider it, only he has a girlfriend. She's in France now... but well I'm not gonna like try anything while he's seeing her and I'm guessing it'll be a long and steady relationship anyway if they're doing long distance. He's very funny, has a good sense for sarcasm and we have a good time together. Oh, and he's handsome, taller than me but not too tall, dark hair, dark eyes, a little beard... I did get his cell number, just in case.

I switched my schedule for work around, I was meant to be working Sunday afternoon but a friend wanted to take today off to relax a bit, so I worked today and am now getting Sunday off :D But while I was waiting for it to be time to go to work, I was wandering round, walked into a store and VOILA! found a pair of jeans for 10 euros that fits perfectly, seems good quality... and a nice shirt to go with it :)

I have a meeting tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately I didn't pay the fee for the Latin course so I don't know if I can still attend. I can't find the payment slip thingie or the place's number, which is bad.

*HUGS*